Sleepless…

At times like this I wish I had an on/off switch for my brain. Two hours ago I thought having an early night would be a good idea. Instead, two hours later, there’s still no sign of sleep, and the thoughts keep coming in wave after wave. Thinking about work, about huméco, about playing music, about friends, about money, about the artwork for the EP, about that poster I was meant to do, about writing more here – about the million and one things I want to do but know I don’t have time to. It all just builds up and crashes in on my attempts at something resembling sleep.

I realised something tonight – not that I haven’t noticed before but it came into focus more than usual – I don’t know how to let myself relax and have time off. I went to Nik’s birthday party on Saturday night and had an awesome time, but here I am now berating myself for letting myself go, for not being “productive”, for not doing some of those million and one things. I feel that if every minute of my day is not advancing me towards my goals, doing something more, or thinking and reflecting on something “important”, than it is not worthwhile. And to make matters worse even if I do some of those things I don’t feel that’s enough – that somehow I could’ve/should’ve done more/something else/something more useful. How can I ever win?

Somewhere in my head and my heart I recognise that running at a hundred miles an hour like this is not really living. That in order to truly appreciate life and live sustainably I need to slow down and take it easy once in a while – a lot more often than I allow. That sometimes just “being” is the right thing to do, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it or unworthy of it. But then my thoughts get impatient again and off we go back into the waves. And so I sit here under the flurescent glow of a computer screen in the hope that writing this will help me sleep. Strange…